Mysterium Tremendum et Fascinans
I didn’t say “I love you” to hear it back. I said it to make sure you knew. (via metrogoon)
“I-I don’t know”
“I won’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.” I smile.
“I know, it’s just…”
I watch her face before she responds. I try to spot all the creases on her face. Despite her anxiousness, I still find every dip in her skin beautiful. So I smile at her, while I wait.
“What if I don’t look good?”
At this, I am stunned. If I could part you with my consciousness, you would know that the world revolved around you. The details in how your hair parted were the code for the universe. The way your eyebrows furrowed when you’re worried, like you are now, are the genesis of beauty. But maybe my favorite part is how none of the above are true. You’re just a random collection of stuff. None of which by themselves are special, but in the combination that makes up your smile, is magical.
So I tell her, “You’re wrong. How I wish you would know what it feels like to stand so close to beauty.” I smile because I can’t help myself. I know she won’t be convinced so I say:
“Okay, let’s make a deal.”
“Yes, a deal. We take our shirts off at the same time. That way neither of us are exposed while the other is clothed.”
She crossed her arms and grabs the bottom of her shirt. I get ready to pull my shirt from my neck.
“Don’t you chicken out on me!” She declares, like she wasn’t the one that was afraid. We both were. What would she think of me, then? Would she watch me body and feel repulsed? The thought deeply scared me.
Would she leave me?
I just want to take her in.
There’s no going back.
There’s a big rustle of cloth rubbing against skin. I close my eyes, like I was riding a rollercoaster for the first time. I can feel my stomach drop all the same. When they open, we’re just standing across from each other, staring. I can’t believe my body still has the capacity for doing anything but loudly pump blood. She just has skin everywhere. I mean it’s all over! I should know that, but when I am watching all of it, all of the roads and curves, I can see the result of all life. Generations since the primordial ooze so I can look at this unparalleled sun.
“Close your mouth,” she sneers, realizing I can’t do anything but stand there.
“Sorry. It’s just that…”
I can’t answer so I just smile and watch her eyes light up a little.
“Pants are off!”
“What do we do now?”
We sort of waddle towards each other, still scared to leave the safety of the air between us. I reach out first, going around her shoulder. It’s all so smooth and sometimes its bumpy, but it’s all her. She grabs around my waist with the arm on the same side. I try to remember all of it. All of her hand sliding across my side. I grab her waist with my other arm, almost completing the embrace. I follow gently the curve of her hips, like water filling a valley. She wraps her other arm around my shoulder and her hand ends up at the back of my neck.
We’re just loosely hang off each at this point. But she’s so warm, I press her hard against me. How could you have ever lived otherwise? Without knowing what it’s like to touch Earth’s volcanoes. The hot magma of her blood is right underneath her skin. I can feel it blush through our pressed cheeks. I can feel the first rays of spring on my chest against her breasts.
And this is how we are for a few moments. No words pass between us. I involuntarily laugh at a thought.
“What? What is it?” She asks, more curious than worried
“Can I, uh, touch your butt?” I pull back my head to smile widely at her, still chuckling at my blunt request.
“Sure,” she smiles back.
Later we are in her bed, still only in our underwear. We’re just laying across from each other, looking at each other and talking furiously. The silence is slayed and we can’t do anything but laugh and talk.
“I feel relived,” I tell her.
“Well, aside from knowing that you didn’t find me repulsive-” she pouts at me when I say that, “I’m glad I get to tell you everything now.”
“What do you mean?”
“All of the thoughts I’ve had about you for years. I get to walk you through all the words I wrote about you, all of the journeys I’ve had running out of celestial bodies to compare you to.” It’s just a little quiet now. Our hands are still fidgeting and rustling on the sheets.
“But for now, I want to start a new sentence about a new experience.”
I reach out from across her, and gently grab her neck. I pull us closer, and I kiss her, like I’ve been wanting to for years. Time passes and we pull away.
“What will you say about that?”
I think for a moment, then say, “It was golden, like the birth of a star giving us it’s first rays of light.”