Mysterium Tremendum et Fascinans
The Envy of Cloth
As soon as we turned away, the wind became cold. My ears stung from the harsh cold. Maybe they were being kept warm by my constant smile. I begun to take the weather personally. Symbolism in the world, I thought. This just means the world is bleak without her, and that’s the pain I lived with for a long time. Maybe I should stay. That would be selfish of me. We both didn’t want to take the selfish option.
While waiting for the bus that was running late, I thought about the odd phase I was in while I slept last night. Like none of it had happened, but I woke up there anyway. I remembered that you didn’t let me look at your face while you slept, even though when you were finally gone, I thought I found peace in physical form. Maybe you weren’t even peaceful, maybe you had a dream like mine where everything was hectic, and you were always trying to save the world that didn’t care about you.
I half expected to wake up that morning alone. Not that I wasn’t alone, but I felt less alone. Maybe that’s all love can do. Just prod at loneliness so that we can live with ourselves. Which is a funny thing to say because I remember watching you breathe, and all I saw was the blanket move up and down. Like a rolling ocean, it would bob, and maybe that’s where dreams are kept afloat. I thought about this insidious envy. The envy of cloth, which was so goddam ridiculous because it was a lame blanket anyway. Yet it got to ride the wave of your dreams, however brief they were.
I’m afraid you’ll turn around one day and realize that I’m the one holding you down. I’m not really even afraid that you’ll let me go, because that might happen eventually. I’m afraid that I think it will be the for the best and we will never get to spend hours sitting in a bagel shop, hogging the universe’s space. What the fuck do we owe the universe anyway? The universe is just indifferent energy, but goddam it I want all of yours. Maybe at the end of time, I will get my wish: to be closer that we can push our bodies together.
I found that even though I didn’t feel my face for the walk after you, my heart was okay. My feet, which concerned you so much, weren’t really cold. My legs felt the sting of the cold, but I liked it that way. I wouldn’t tell you that, you might worry. Still, I had a brief moment of hesitation, before I boarded the bus. I could stay. But I would always had to go. All of my body stung then, but my chest was warm enough. I understood then the kind of loyalty you always sought in people. People who stayed because they cared. I want to change that. My loyalty is returning.
have you ever just looked at someone and thought, my fucking god i love you. i love every goddamn ounce. i love your bones and your soul. but I’m a loser, who just doesn’t wanna lose you. i can lose fucking everything, but not you. oh god. not you.
every time I look at you
Did you know that you can find diamonds in candles? Forged in great heat and wax, the vaunted crystal forms right underneath our eyes. Million and millions of tiny diamonds floating, almost mocking us for searching for their bigger brethren beneath the earth. We can’t see a single one of them, we can’t hold them, we can’t give them to our lover when we want to spend the rest of our lives with them. But we know they exist. We created tools just for this knowledge. So that wonder can strike us aback, when reality becomes more odd than any fiction we can imagine.
Sometimes people are this way. Tiny crystals who just exist. The most valuable material, in great abundance. Sometimes, people can’t understand why they matter. Nobody can see them, can hold them, can love them. But I know you’re out there. I know that it takes all of human knowledge to even see a smidge of you. You are so much greater than what you think you are. Forged by the flickering candle fire, you strike wonder into my being, tiny diamond. I don’t need you to be in my hands, when in my head, I know that you’re the most odd, beautiful creation. Mysterioum Tremendum et Fascinans – the great and terrible awe.
A Final Dialogue
I love you
I love you, too
You’ll never stop?
No, I’ll never-
Don’t, don’t you dare lie to me
Why won’t you say anything back?
Maybe I just need to lean in closer and
I wanted to tell you how you filled my life with-
Why do they need to be different?
Love is a dance for two
Light shines on a single person,
Filling up their being with no room for anything else
Light pushed air out of the lungs
And deceives it that it’s breathing.
Are you lying-
I understand but-
Light clenches my heart and fills my veins;
Light replaces the oil on my skin
so that my fingerprints only spell out your name
leaving the cops confused
on who held the murder weapon
I only need you to promise
I can’t anymore
But you already-
but you’re the one who lied
DON’T SPEAK THOSE WORDS TO ME
DON’T SAY THEM UNTIL YOU KNOW ABOUT THE LIGHT
THAT LEAVE YOU WITH NOTHING BUT DARKNESS
The light that I confounded with love
You dared to lie to me.
Yes, yes I did.
When you like somebody for a long time, things happen that you don’t expect. You stop liking them after a couple of years and find yourself overwhelmed with another type of emotion. It’s easy to call it love, and maybe it is, but I’ve always thought love takes two. But seriously, what else could it be? What else do you call it when all you can do is think about her every day, for weeks, for months, for years? My smart-ass side wants to call it idiocy. But with that much time spent on thinking you would imagine that you’ve already thought up of everything that you ever could. You think you’ve seen every side; you think you’ve felt every range of emotions there is to feel (and to every extreme).But you could not be more wrong. Because let me tell you, that the game I’m playing has an infinitely sided die. I think I could spend the rest of my life like this and before I draw my last breath, I would realize that when you smile in that particular way, under that particular light, I would feel something even deeper than before. I know because it happened to me just recently. I’ve spent so many words writing you, that sometimes I stop, afraid that I’m going to run out of them. But I feel like I found an oasis in a long desert. I looked at you, smiling in that particular way, under that particular sunlight, and I felt myself melt away, like I’ve never seen you in my entire life before. I just want to let you know that someday. That someone is falling in love with you again and again.
loving you in my sleep
and waking up alone. (via toujoursaufeminin)